Surprisingly Down to Earth, and Very Funny: My Autobiography by Limmy

Author:Limmy
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2019-02-20T16:00:00+00:00

Becoming an Alky

My confidence was sky high. Perhaps too high. I started to feel indispensable. So much so that I had a fight with one of my bosses. An actual scrap.

One Friday night, a group of us from work all headed out to the pub for a few drinks. We went to the Candy Bar, which was the same pub I went to with my work when I just started my placement, that night of the fire. Back when I started my placement, I was all sheepish and eager to make a good impression. But this was a year later, and I was fucking steaming.

I didn’t like this boss. I didn’t hate him, but I didn’t like him. He was one of the suits, one of the account managers, one of the guys that pitched to the clients and brought the money in. I’d hear him talk about money and clients, huge amounts of money, then he’d come over to me and ask me to do some work. Then he’d drive off at the end of the day in his sports motor while I grafted away doing all-nighters for £13,000 a year or whatever I was on.

I didn’t like how he sometimes made jokes about me getting sacked. I’d mention how I nearly made a mistake with a certain website or something, and he’d chuckle and say that would have been a ‘career-ender’, or ‘an interesting way to get your P45’. He had a point, but I didn’t like how it was implied that he could get me sacked, and that he had that power.

To be honest, though, my reasons for not liking him were even smaller than that. I didn’t like the way he looked around the office on his way from the printer room to his desk, surveying his kingdom. I didn’t like overhearing his laugh; I imagined he was laughing at the expense of somebody like me. I didn’t like that when I talked to him he sometimes looked at my hair. He was one of those cunts that look at your hair or some other part of you while you’re speaking to him, like he’s wearing sunglasses and you won’t notice.

He once said something about how I was getting a bit of a beer belly. When he said that, I didn’t mind, for some reason. But it was this other night, at the Candy Bar, that he said something that I did mind about. And it was nothing. It was something like, ‘Interesting T-shirt.’

Ten seconds later, we had each other in a headlock.

I can’t remember how it happened exactly, but I think it was because I said, ‘Interesting tie,’ and started flicking his tie in response. Then he pushed my hand away, so I slapped his away from mine. Fuck knows. But I remember us having each other in a headlock in the middle of this pub.

One of my colleagues grabbed me from behind in a bear hug, so my arms were pinned by my side, and he dragged me out of the pub.

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